This College’s Answer To Toxic Masculinity? Why, All-Male Cuddlefests, Of Course!

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Apr 11, 2019

In the age of the “angry white male”, colleges are doing their part to equip the nation’s young people with the tools they need to fight toxic masculinity and reclaim their gender for the good of the world. How is Pennsylvania’s Lehigh University tackling the testosterone epidemic?

One bro-cuddle at a time, that’s how.

That’s right, y’all. If the cares of this world and the demands of being a man have got you down, come on down to Plymouth Meeting for a “Men’s Therapeutic Cuddle Group” session. There you’ll enjoy a “safe, structured, and platonic” cuddling experience with your fellow “good guys who get it”.

With a little “Acceptance, Affirmation and Affection” and for a voluntary donation of any amount, you too can be healed of past trauma, abuse, or even just the stubborn urge to hold doors open for women or split firewood.

You’ll learn super scientific and not at all awkward poses such as:

  • The Motorcycle Hold, in which one man sits with his back against another man’s chest as if riding a motorcycle, but not too realistic because motorcycles are too masculine and may trigger someone.
  • The Cuddle Train, where “some guys may want to cuddle with a man who may carry the energy of a loving father, a brother, or the jock who may not have affirmed them in high school. Other men may choose NOT to cuddle someone who reminds them of, for instance, their abusive teacher, uncle or a childhood bully”
  • A group favorite, The Puppy Pile, where you can lounge about with your head in another man’s lap and “feel safe sharing [your] innermost thoughts”

The undeniable therapeutic benefits of these all-bro cuddlefests have been touted in the Philadelphia Inquirer:

Some massaged their partner’s shoulders or hands, while others stroked the other person’s beard. Many closed their eyes as the room fell into silence. After 15 minutes, they switched to a new partner.

For the second half of the session, the men cuddled as one large group in what they call a “puppy pile.” Men lay with their heads in each other’s laps, chatted, and joked.

Of course, for the safety of the cuddlers, the event’s organizers reserve the right to refuse anyone seeking to join the group or attend a cuddle, including those who are not “hygienically sound”.

Now, I know this sounds like an absolute dream to some of y’all, but let me warn you, absolutely no cuddling is to take place on a bed. For safety, you know. However, it’s expected that some participants may “experience some level or arousal during cuddling,” but that’s “completely normal.” Shaming anyone at any time for any reason is not allowed and you will be shamed if you shame any of your fellow cuddlers.

The goal here is healing, and this is a very serious matter. Together with your fellow cuddlers, you can rid the world of that stone-faced, Clint Eastwood caricature of manhood and show everyone what true masculinity is!