Goldfish Aren’t Sexy

With October 31st right around the corner, I wanted to take a quick moment and remind all you parents out there not to let your teenage daughters leave the house this Halloween dressed like hookers. I know for most of you this probably goes without saying, but considering Kim Kardashian now has over 55 million Twitter followers, let’s just go ahead and err on the side of caution.

While I can’t figure out exactly when or why it happened, at some point over the last 20 years, Halloween has somehow morphed into All Skanks Day. Maybe it was Britney Spears asking people to repeatedly strike her while dancing around in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit. Maybe it was all those horrible reality TV dating shows with attractive single women parading around like cattle in hopes of receiving a flower from some tool with great hair. Or maybe it had something to do with 50 Shades of Grey making over $500 million at the box office.

Regardless, what used to be a fun holiday where people of all ages would dress up in silly costumes and enjoy delicious sweets has sadly turned into a competition amongst an ever-growing segment of the female population to see who can look the most like they just hopped out of an Uber at Charlie Sheen’s house.

Now it’s one thing when someone like Stephanie from accounting shows up to an office Halloween party dressed like Harley Quinn’s more promiscuous sister. We get it, Steph, you do stuff…and you’re old enough to know better. But what really gets my goblin is when I see high school-aged girls using Halloween as an excuse to parade around like X-rated versions of everything from Mulan to Hermione Granger. She’s a Muggle. Put some clothes on! 

I even recently saw a “Sexy Goldfish” costume being offered on Amazon for $38.99. There’s absolutely nothing sexy about goldfish! They spend all day swimming around in feces and have been known to eat their young!!!

But instead of me wasting your time by expressing my belief that any parent who lets their 14-year-old daughter walk out the door this Halloween dressed like a slutty Minion should immediately be thrown in prison, I’ve decided to offer a few costume ideas that are sure to keep your children safe without breaking any of the 10 Commandments:

1. Bee Keeper: Everyone loves bees, and a professional beekeeper’s outfit is the perfect way to make sure your daughter will be fully covered this Halloween when some pimply-faced high school classmate named Brad or Topher inevitably tries getting a little honey at his basement costume party.

2. Hannibal Lecter: Sure he was a murdering psychopath who ate his victims with fava beans and a nice chianti…but won’t you feel more relaxed knowing your sweet little princess is being wheeled around the neighborhood this year in a bright orange jumpsuit and tan muzzle?

3. Hillary Clinton: Say what you want about one of the most corrupt politicians in the history of the world, but I dare you to come up with something less welcoming than a creepy pantsuit/walking boot ensemble.

4. Statue of Liberty: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled daughters dressed from head to toe in thick green fabric.” Nothing says freedom quite like knowing little Susie will be spending more time this Halloween trying to avoid lighting herself on fire with a torch than appealing to the opposite sex.

5. Ed Begley Jr.: I’m pretty sure this one kind of explains itself.

And there you have it, 5 simple and fun ways for both you and your daughters to enjoy Halloween next week while protecting them from being leered at or worse by creepy predators like Harvey Weinstein, Bill Clinton, and Mario Lopez.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to pick up my Susan Boyle costume from the dry cleaner’s. This will be my 6th straight year showing up to a Halloween party dressed as the Scottish songstress and it only gets more entertaining.