Walmarts across this great nation are seeing shelves utterly emptied of tin foil as every single man, woman, and child goes into grassy knoll territory in rejecting the official story regarding the suicide of Jeff Epstein.
Not really, but this article wasn’t gonna write its own opener.
There are few things more uplifting and inspiring than the fact that, in spite of some of the deepest divisions this nation has seen in centuries, Americans of every stripe are standing together with one unified voice and saying, “do y’all really expect us to believe this mess about Jeff Epstein?!”
Of course, we’re right back at each other’s throats over which conspiracy theory holds more merit and which swamp rat elitist has blood on their hands, but the unity was fun while it lasted.
While us grunts are still digesting the facts surrounding Epstein’s alleged suicide, a few loud voices in Washington, including Attorney General William Barr and Rep. Ben Sasse, are madder than a boiled owl at the news.
In a red-hot letter to AG Barr, Rep. Sasse wrote, “The Department of Justice failed, and today Jeffrey Epstein’s co-conspirators think they might have just gotten one last sweetheart deal.”
“Every single person in the Justice Department — from your Main Justice headquarters staff all the way to the night-shift jailer — knew that this man was a suicide risk, and that his dark secrets couldn’t be allowed to die with him,” he continued. “Given Epstein’s previous attempted suicide, he should have been locked in a padded room under unbroken, 24/7, constant surveillance.”
“Obviously, heads must roll,” Sasse said.
The Nebraskan senator added that the “Department of Justice should not have allowed this to happen” because Epstein’s death “deprives his victims of the opportunity to confront him in court and to see him held accountable for his crimes” and “also makes it harder to unravel his ring and to hold accountable the many other powerful men who raped and exploited these children.”
For his part, AG Barr was reportedly “livid,” says the New York Post, upon learning of Epstein’s death. Barr promptly initiated a Justice Department investigation into the matter, but pardon my snark if I’m not excited about the findings of an investigation from the department that couldn’t keep the dude alive in the first place.
“I was appalled to learn that Jeffrey Epstein was found dead early this morning from an apparent suicide while in federal custody. Mr. Epstein’s death raises serious questions that must be answered. In addition to the FBI’s investigation, I have consulted with the Inspector General who is opening an investigation into the circumstances of Mr. Epstein’s death,” Barr said in a statement.
Maybe start with the reason why Epstein was taken off suicide watch juuuust before this whole incident happened, according to a statement from Department of Justice spokesman Lee Plourde. Just an idea.